Hello West Coast!

18 06 2015

Life has certainly passed me by since my last post. My baby will be one in a few days. I got sick of the mistreatment from my husband and left. After living for months with no water (because it was frozen and he wouldn’t fix it), loading up two kids and taking showers at the YMCA, taking laundry out in the snow and ice to the laundromat, constantly being told how I was a freeloader because I wasn’t working, being hung up on when I talked to him and he was at work, called named like bitch and cunt in front of the kids, and emotionally being ignored and used for sex, I still stayed. It wasn’t until I found out he was sending pictures of his dick to one of his coworkers that I decided to leave. Now, here I am on the west coast. I packed up the kids, loaded the truck, and we drove three days to get here. We even went through winter storm Sparta. I was determined. I was one of the only cars on the road except for the semi’s. I could hardly see the interstate, but I had decided I wasn’t stopping.
I arrived here in early March. Since arriving here I have bought a new car (my old one was having issues), got the baby in daycare, and am working two jobs. The relationship between my husband and I is tense at best. Even though I am gone I have had to minimize contact with him due to his constant critical and negative remarks about me and my choices/actions. The irony of it is he tells me how unstable I am, not stopping to remember he is the cause of the instability in the first place. I am sometimes blown away by his reasoning skills. He claims that I shouldn’t have left and that we could have worked it out. To me, what he did was unforgivable. Staying wasn’t an option. I knew when I left that I would have to return to work and my days at home with my baby would be over. I just couldn’t have my children living in such conditions and I couldn’t tolerate anymore mistreatment. On top of that he got in trouble for weapons charges. I would have even stuck it out with him through that, but when I found out he was cheating on me I couldn’t find it in myself to honor any loyalty to him.
I’ve been gone three months now and each day is a little easier than the day before it. I am still emotionally broken, hurt, and betrayed. The pain comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I am fine and other days I sit at my desk at work when no one is looking and tears fall out of the corners of my eyes because the pain is too much to bear. I am slowly improving though. Having your heart broken is the equivalent to being sick. The weak, down trodden soul has to have time to recover. Sometimes I even get weak and yearn for the familiarity of the known vs. the unknown. I remind myself that I left him for a reason and that he will never change. He has already moved on and is living with someone else. Big surprise.
To make things worse my mother has had me investigated by CPS twice since I have been out here. She has always been crazy. The only thing I can think of is that she is jealous or resentful because she sees me being there for my kids. Oh well, no one made her stick a needle in her arm and leave. Each time the worker came and told me the case was unsubstantiated and that it would be closed. I have since had to shut her out of my life. Not only have I lost my marriage (or what I thought was one), I have had to let go of other relationships in my life. Lately I have felt very introverted and focused more on self-reliance. I thought, maybe I should go see a counselor. Because I don’t have health insurance I looked up some free services. The only free ones available in the evening wouldn’t accept me because it’s against their policy to accept those with actively open CPS cases. So here I am. Betrayed by those closest to me, involved with CPS, alone, and unable to seek help in a positive productive manner. I am still however, moving forward in a positive, productive manner to the best of my abilities. Life seems to be a lonely place these days. At least I still have my kids, no matter who tries to tear me down or take that from me. No matter what is going on, I try to be grateful. I am no longer being abused — well, not as much as I once was. Now I can choose to disconnect the phone call or not answer. At least I can take a shower again and am not freezing. I don’t have to depend on someone else to be in charge of my life and be a victim of their poor decisions. It is uplifting to the spirit to see the palm trees and abundant sunshine. No matter what is thrown at me now, thank God I am no longer where I was before. At least I am taking the necessary steps to improve my life and get away from these toxic people for good.

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