Farewell 2013…

25 12 2013

Merry Christmas! Here we are again… Almost at the end of another year, as crazy as that seems.

When we get what we want we realize it wasn’t what we thought it was. Ugh! I don’t even know where to start with this one. I thought I wanted a relationship with my brother and had always wished we were closer. I now see that relationship was better left the way it was. I always wondered what it would be like to be married with a college degree and a somewhat normal life. I’m not sorry about any of it, but it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There were other things I wanted, which I won’t speak about because I will sound like the biggest asshole ever. I got them. The old adage, “Be careful what you as for…” is true.

Helping family and friends usually results in you being the asshole. We learned twice over the last year that staying with family and trying to help them is nothing more than enabling them. It also results in them feeling they can run you over while demanding and placing certain expectations on you. Nine times out of ten the positive, selfless things you do out of the goodness of your heart will not be remembered. When the dust settles they will only remember every time you didn’t cater to them, give them their way, or kiss their ass. After five years of being married I have yet to see an experience where you try to help a family member go well or be appreciated.

I learned what a real family is. I never had one. I had a dysfunctional, broken family. My years growing up with my father are hallmarked with controlling behavior, ultimatums, intimidation, negativity, shaming, and naysaying. I won’t go into my issues with my father in depth. Unlike other dancers I do not have the “my daddy molested me” stories. I definitely could have had it worse. The physical and mental abuse over the years did leave me emotionally and mentally wounded. There are still some deep seated feelings and beliefs I consciously know aren’t true, but still struggle with in my day to day life. It wasn’t until I became close to my husband’s family that I realized what family means. They really want the best for you. If they do something for you it’s not because they expect something back or are trying to benefit themselves in some way. They don’t try to control you and tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. They are there for support and to talk if you need an ear. In the end, they don’t participate in ultimatums and controlling behavior. I wasn’t used to such behavior. In the beginning I often found myself feeling bad that people were so nice to me – as if I was undeserving. I also found myself trying to figure out what the motivation behind their actions was. What did they want? Surely, there had to be a reason for all of this. I have never felt welcomed by my own family as much as I have by my husband’s. They accept my daughter and in all truthfulness treat her better than my own family, with the exception of my mother. She is exempt from any statements made regarding my “family” or lack thereof.

You can depend only on yourself. No you can not rely on people that make you promises. Fact is, many of these people can not effectively manage their own lives and to be honest you really weren’t as important to them as they would like to believe or make you believe. I can think of three instances with three separate people this year that were sorely disappointing. To be honest in the end it’s really no one’s responsibility to allow you to depend on them either. Believing you can is unrealistic, as is putting them in that position to begin with. As an adult it is ultimately your responsibility to be self-reliant.

Everyone was right… There really will come a point when you can’t strip anymore. I have known this for a long time. It did seem like that time would never come. That time still has not came. But it will… There is no cut off age for dancing. It’s about your image. As long as your image is still considered dancer material and you are making money, age is nothing but a number. Regardless of what anyone who doesn’t know shit about the industry says, you can dance until you are forty. I have seen it done. That is one of my pet peeves. If you aren’t a true expert on what goes on inside the strip club then shut the fuck up. Plain and simple. It’s not all about looks. It’s also about attitude and personality. I have seen some more mature women make good money. Obviously, making your appearance a priority and attempting to eat right and keep yourself in shape is important.

Instead of comparing your grass to your neighbor’s grass, you should invest time watering your own. Ultimately, you are the one responsible for your own happiness. Most of that truly depends on your attitude. It’s easy to look at Facebook and see other people’s pictures, the things they are doing, and the story that is painted through their pictures and think their life is somehow better than yours… Admit it… You’ve thought that. That time spent wishing is better spent creating your own portraits or changing your painting if you don’t like it. Instead of playing the victim it is better to be proactive in your own solutions.

It’s okay to cut people out of your life if they aren’t healthy for you. This again is in reference to my family and supposed “friends” I once had. I really have no use for them. Both categories were unhealthy for me in various ways and are better left alone.

Your children really do grown up quicker thank you thought. Pretty self explanatory. My daughter will be thirteen soon and I have realized she is almost not a child anymore.

It seems 2013 was more a year of realizations than anything. You never stop growing, you never stop learning. I might not have the ideal situation that I would like… But I am happy and have what I need. I hope 2014 is a great year for everyone and always strive for more!


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