Back in Pennsylvania

5 08 2013


Apparently in my know it all, technologically savvy, genius humanly being, I can not manage to save a draft of a blog I started earlier today. So I will take another stab at it and attempt to recap what (I felt) I had written so profoundly a few hours ago.

I just read my last post… I can’t help but laugh at myself. I am so fucking ridiculous. Anyone who has followed my blog for a period of time, or even read a few posts, probably can predict where I am typing this from and what the outcome was of me returning to South Carolina. I lasted about a month. The first week or so I did great. I stayed sober and was making great money. I even did several champagne rooms. We had our charity golf tournament and I can proudly say I was the only dancer there that stayed dressed throughout the whole time and still got paid. Then I slowly started to deteriorate. It started with some controlled drinking and me thinking I was doing a great job at controlling that drinking. Next thing I know I was at the bar at six in the morning. I did drive intoxicated on a couple occasions, resulting in a feeling of horrible shame and guilt. After that I decided if I had enough money to get fucked up, I had enough money to take a cab home. Of course, I would worry about finding a ride to my car the next day. I was drowning my sorrows and partying on the outside, but being so self destructive on the inside. All my good intentions came to a screeching halt. I knew then that I had to stop dancing again. Unfortunately, I can’t separate the job from the party. I picked up right where I had left off when I left in 2011. It was like riding a bicycle, only I was more skilled. So after a long night of drinking and a horrible hangover… And still half drunk I woke up and asked my daughter if she wanted to take a road trip. I didn’t tell my husband I was coming to Pittsburgh. I waited until I was in the city and took a picture of the interstate sign that said Pittsburgh and sent it to him. He immediately called me and asked me why I was here. He seemed angry, surprised, and resentful. He denied wanting to see me right up until about 2:30 am when he was intoxicated. He called me and wanted to come see me. Several things ran through my mind… What changed? I’m not your booty call. Then I thought about how badly the situation could go given he had been drinking. I declined and told him to call me the next day. We have been back together ever since. We were apart for a month. I just wasn’t strong enough to stay away. Many people have commented on my dedication to my marriage… They said they respected me and it took a lot of strength to continue to try to work it out and stay committed and dedicated to making it work. I didn’t feel that was why. I felt it was because I was weak. Self loathing. I wish I could have just moved on with no conviction. We both did our dirt… I think more in an effort to move on than for any real desire to be with anyone else. More like a rebound situation. We have both had to move past whatever happened while we were apart which has been more of a challenge for me than it was for him. Without all the juicy details, we are now moving forward and things seem to be improving. My life is a book and the chapters haven’t been written yet. I have realized some things about myself. The first being, I need thicker skin. I have a rough exterior in regards to other people. The people closest to me can penetrate that exterior with ease. I need to be more in control of my emotions. Second, I can’t control him. I tried. It didn’t work. I definitely need to work on my jealousy. I am extremely jealous. This is my demon to work through, but it would probably help if I hadn’t chosen to deal with and tolerate some of the situations I was exposed to in my marriage.

That being said, I have often pondered the “what if’s”. I don’t dwell on them, but it’s good to have a picture of potential outcomes and what to do in the event those outcomes become reality. Kind of like defensive driving. There is the possibility it won’t work again. The biggest question on my mind has been, if it didn’t work, where would I go? I can’t keep moving and being a gypsy. Would I stay in Pittsburgh? I don’t know. Would I go back to South Carolina? Would I strip again? I can’t answer these questions until I am in that position. We will see what happens. Right now I am just trying to take things day by day.

I have had some interesting experiences here. I have had some intriguing experiences. Those experiences came with some direction. I don’t know how to explain it. It seems I am getting the pieces that were given to me and putting them together. Now I am starting to see what is part of a bigger picture. I have had several indicators that I should explore more creative writing. I met a guy who started a company within the adult industry. The company is in it’s beginning stages and it will be interesting to see what becomes of it. I have been asked to do some guest writing and editing for them. I have been told and am strongly considering writing a book. Perhaps and autobiography and pass it off as fiction. My freelance typing gig has still been floundering around via my ads on Craigslist. I have met some influential people through that avenue and see it as a great networking opportunity. I am not sure what is waiting for me ahead… I think it’s good. With or without my marriage. I have had to learn that my self worth and self image should not be determined by other people. I am much like a child in the respect that I am having to learn some of the lessons and life skills I should have learned by now.

So what am I doing now? I’m not dancing. I’m definitely drinking less. I still tie one on now and then. I am aggressively job hunting. I’m pretty content right now. I am close to my husband’s family and feel comfortable and secure here. It sounds crazy, but all these little pieces are appearing to me as an omen for a bigger plan. I feel hopeful, aside from whatever the outcome may or may not be with my marriage. My daughter is doing well despite all the craziness in the last few months. I feel very guilty about her moving around so much. I also know deep down it will make her strong, resilient, and adaptable. It isn’t a justification, because it was still a shitty deal. She is happy here though.

Aren’t we all in the same boat? We are little mice in the maze, trying to find our way through life. At any time disaster could strike… Physical injury, divorce, death, financial woes, or numerous other unfortunate events. Aren’t we all our own biggest critic, always kicking ourselves or being upset with ourselves for what we did or didn’t do? Nothing is guaranteed. Tomorrow civil war could ensue or famine could strike. What is really important? The here and now. Thinking can become a disease. What’s really important is being able to live with yourself, not being afraid to take chances, and leaving our footprints on each other’s hearts. Throughout life we will meet people we connect with. We may be attracted to them. We may enjoy their company. Perhaps we like to pick their brains and enjoy a battle of wits. In the end, it is still best to depend on one’s self. I think although I came back to my husband I am wiser and stronger from my experience. I did a lot of self reflecting. I will be okay no matter where my next chapter takes me. If it takes me through strife, I will emerge from the other side somehow, someway. Whatever I am given I will make it work. More important than my commitment to my marriage is my commitment to myself.

Soon (in the next three months, because we all  know me) I will return with more funny anecdotes and life stories. Stripping or not my life has always been crazy… I couldn’t make this shit up.

I will leave you with this… My BFF and partner in crime… We will call her Ashton. When I was in Columbia we were partying it up. One day on the way to work we were driving down the road and the guy in the car next to us was flirting. He was definitely not our type, but being the bitches that we are we decided to fuck with him anyways. Ashton flashed him on the way to work in traffic. It wasn’t late. This was four o’clock traffic. A few days later she was on the iPad looking around on Craiglist. I told her look in the missed connections section… We are bound to be in there as much as we are out partying and drinking. This is what we found… True story. You can find it at the top of the post.

***Click on the picture for better viewing




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