Career Change

5 05 2013

I am finally moving back to South Carolina. I am so excited. Several things led me to this decision. I seem to have gotten my drinking under control. I actually went to South Carolina this weekend. I only worked Saturday night but I did well. Several things have happened that have led me to this decision. My brother and his kids moved in with my husband and I. It went horribly wrong. Let’s just say they are the house guests from hell. Paul and I finally moved out. I am not satisfied with my job or my earnings. The real bottom line is I am looking at my position in life and I’m not satisfied. My husband and I seem to be doing okay but it’s still a very tumultuous marriage. I took a real job because he wanted me to. He didn’t feel comfortable with me working in the club. There were other reasons too. One thing that pushed me in this direction was the fact that twice now since DH and I have been married, we have paid off items on his credit report. When I separated from my job with the state I used a whole month’s paycheck (I got paid once a month) to help him take care of some things with his driver’s license. Meanwhile I’m sitting here and in the last five years have never paid one single delinquent item on my credit. There was a reason for that however. We wanted to buy a house and he  had considerably less damage to repair than I did. Only one of us really needed to get qualified. So the sensible option was to clean up his credit instead of mine. I looked at it as an investment towards our future. I figured we had been together this long, and although things haven’t been great — we were going to be together. I feel like that until he starts talking shit and making my life so fucking miserable that I want him away from me. This is exactly what he has been doing lately. Here I am… Not dancing. I’ll be 31 this month. I have helped him clean his shit up. What about me? What about my shit? He went and bought a brand new Nissan. It had 14 miles when he drove it off the lot. Then when he started his shit all I could think about was how I am in some ways dependent on him. History shows he is not a person that I need to depend on. I’m sitting here looking at the situation and realizing that I helped him get in a position to buy that car, meanwhile my shit is still fucked up. He tried to make it about me at the dealership. I told him that I didn’t feel purchasing the car was a wise financial decision at 15% interest. I know that had I said not to get the car and something happened and our current vehicle broke down (it’s not in the best condition) I would never have heard the end of it. “Well, if we would have bought that car we would HAVE a vehicle. Every time I listen to you BLAH, BLAH, fucking BLAH.” So I just told him how I felt and told him to make his own decision. He bought the car. I couldn’t believe it. Now we have an almost $400 a month payment between the insurance and the car. I know it was a mistake and we are putting ourselves further in debt while already having debt. Dave Ramsey says live like no one else now so you can live like no one else later. I believe that philosophy. But at the end of the day it’s not my car and it’s not in my name. My name is nowhere on that loan. So it’s not my problem. I could say a million things about this situation, but I am going to leave this subject where it lies. I am determined that I am going to have something before I’m 40. I’m going to save my money and pay cash for my house. Why am I going to do that? By that time DH will probably be tired of waiting and be gone. That way he can’t take it from me. That is a real concern of mine too. My daughter is going to need braces soon. I need to be able to put her in a technical school so she will have some kind of trade to get her through life.

The decision to return to the stage was a big one. I realize in order to be successful I can’t drink at work. I have set a quota that I must make each week based on a five day work schedule. If I don’t make that quota I will work seven days that week to correct the deficiency. I crunched these numbers based on what I wanted to make per year and where that figure would put me in ten years. My DH isn’t going to take the best years of my life and walk off better than he ever was, meanwhile I sit old and gray and useless. I have to have something for myself. So there it is. Maybe they are right. Strippers never really retire. I don’t give a damn how old I get. If people are still going to buy dances, I’m still going to shake what I got while I have it. I did manage to lose 30 pounds and am still going. I’ve come to realize that you can’t depend on anyone. You are born alone and you die alone. Talk is cheap and promises are lies that haven’t transpired yet. No one is going to take care of me or make a life for me and my daughter except for me. I lied to myself for so long that even I started to believe the lies. At least I learned this before it was too late.




One response

7 05 2013

While I have disagreed with a few things you have said in the past I must admit that I relate to the majority or your posts. I can COMPLETELY 100% relate to this one. Amen Sister! We are taught fairytale from a young age on and while I never expected to actually live a storybook life I still feel disillusioned. When we fall in love whatever flaws or sacrifices we make in life and marriage become normal and accepted. Our dreams are capitulated and our self respect slowly but SURELY diminished. We give of ourselves to the point where we almost lose our original self…and many if us do lose it. I applaud your determination to make a way for your children and yourself regardless if the relationship between you and your husband survives. This should be taught to all young women before we attempt to navigate the painful road if life. I am in the exact spot as you are at the moment girl! Lets look to the future. Thanks for sharing! I needed to know I’m not alone. Best wishes to you!

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