Self Discovery

14 03 2013

Like usual, way too much time has passed since I last blogged. What can I say? Life has not been fair. Life is never fair.

I left my job with the state. It wasn’t working out for me for various reasons. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to hold a real job. It seems I am not challenged enough. I get bored so easily. On the bright side, I still haven’t returned to stripping. But wait… Is that the bright side? I work all week and now make what would have taken me one to two days to make before. Of course, holding a real job has those added bonuses such as retirement, insurance, blah, blah, blah… You can’t strip forever. That’s what they say. I think if a stripper is smart with her money she can put away enough to cover her retirement. My husband could put me on his medical. I mean, are there really benefits if I can’t stay in one place long enough to reap those benefits?

So now I am faced with the real world. I am working in the Human Resources department at a Fortune 500 company. It’s not as good as it sounds. My job is to file papers. I don’t mean a few papers. I do this 90% of the time. And I answer phones. The shift is not horribly bad and I like the people I work with. Here is where the job gets gooey… Office politics.

Ah, yes. The game of sticking your nose in someone’s asshole and sniffing to get where you want to be. I have never been good at this game, even when to do so would have been a great benefit to myself or those around me. My ego is too big for such foolishness. Maybe my perception is fucked up. After all, is it really foolish if it allows you to attain the goals you wish to attain? Part of me says no. Maybe the part of me that says yes is immature and needs to grow up. I feel to pretend to like people I don’t really care for and kiss ass is not being true to myself. If I can’t be true to anyone else, I should at least be true to myself. This is what I believe. I could be wrong. It feels right though. Obviously I can’t tell everyone to go fuck themselves — but there are times I would like to. Instead I keep my words short and do my job. There is a guy I work with.. We are both temporaries. The employer hires temps after six months. All I ever see him do is brown nose and pawn his work off on me. By the way, the filing is part of his responsibilities also. I heard that from another employee. He has kissed our supervsior’s ass until he got on her good side. So here I am slaving away night after night while this fuckface sits on the computer and looks up cruises, writes reviews, and Facebooks. I try to have a positive attitude. I keep telling myself that everyone had to start somewhere and that I am simply putting in my dues. I try to convince myself that I will be rewarded in the end for my hard work. I don’t believe myself and my resentments are quick to rear their ugly head. I like the guy well enough. We are buds actually. I just don’t like his work ethic and I resent the fact that I am doing grunt work and working harder than him and he’s getting hired on. It doesn’t seem fair. But I guess life is not fair. I am putting out some resumes and if I get offered something better I will leave. Until then I will continue to come to work, resentments in tow.
Speaking of resentments… My brother and his kids moved in with us. Jeez… What a nightmare that turned into. I have never in my life seen children be so disrespectful. We all live in the same house and hardly talk. The tension in the house is unsettling and often stressful. My brother and I don’t see eye to eye and aren’t getting along at all. One of his kids hasn’t been to school for a week. The other ones waited until he went to work and then stayed home. My daughter has been basically kicked out of her room into the living room. On top of that, my dad takes their side whenever we have a disagreement. He has allowed all this to transpire. I say that because it’s his house. He’s the only one who could put his foot down and stop it but he chooses not to. No I’m not blaming everyone else. Even my husband said that he didn’t see where I had done anything wrong. It’s like I’m their scapegoat. We are getting ourselves in the position to buy a house again. Hopefully I won’t leave the day before closing like the last time we almost bought a house. I think I got cold feet. That coupled with the fact that my husband and I weren’t getting along. A high mortgage payment didn’t help either. It’s like I panicked. Maybe it was the commitment in general.

I have not been drinking either. I have been going to AA meetings in the morning when I get off work. I’ve met some really great people through AA. I have also realized that I’m not as crazy as I thought I was. I relate to the people and the stories. I now know that I’m not unique in my feelings. My problem is my thought patterns. The messages I tell myself and my attitude towards situations needs to improve in order for me to be successful. That’s my first problem. My attitude is fucked up and shitty. I realize it. I have been taking a lot of self inventory and asking what is my role in the things that occur in my life. This is what I have realized about myself…

I allow things to bother me and get to me way too easily. I let things affect me and ruin my day. I need to allow other people’s problems to be just that… THEIR problems and not mine. I want to be liked and I want acceptance. When that doesn’t happen on some level it reinforces longstanding feelings I have had since my childhood that I am inadequate and there is something wrong with me. My brain knows this is not true. However, my feelings say differently. Sometimes it’s very difficult to feel rational feelings.
I have also realized that I don’t know to have fun. Not negative fun. I’m talking about good healthy fun. I don’t know what to do with free time besides drink. I also don’t know how to relax. I am very high-strung. I have a lot of nervous energy. This also manifests itself in feelings of restlessness, anxiety, worry, and irritability. I have major problems with instant gratification. I want it yesterday and I don’t like being told no. I am extremely manipulative. I will do whatever I can to get my way. Much of my time is involved in trying to figure out how to work an angle or situation to my advantage. I have done this for so long that at times my intentions are not even apparent to myself. I may do something and not realize consciously that I am making an effort to manipulate. That sounds weird, I know. But this is the truth. I have also realized one of the hardest things to do is to be honest with myself. To be honest I don’t like my findings. It seems I always have a hidden agenda. I am sure I haven’t even scratched the surface of my personality flaws… But now that I know this, what do I do about it?

At first, all of this was so overwhelming it was easy to get down on myself. The first and foremost thing of importance for me is to accept responsibility, but not put myself down which is easier said than done. I try not to spend time uselessly beating myself up, but do better. I am just starting out so I try to simply be aware of what I am doing and what my true intentions are. I continue to attend AA and just listen. Hearing other people’s stories allows me to question how other people in their addictions relates to me. This has allowed me to come to many self realizations. I’ve also had to realize that just because I am trying to do better doesn’t mean the world will be perfect. People are still going to be snotty and rude to me for no reason at all. I will still get irritated. Practicing positive self talk and not allowing negative thoughts to linger and replay in my brain make a tremendous difference. If we tell ourselves something enough times, we come to believe it, whether that thought be true or false.

So this is where I’m at today. This is what’s going on in my life. Everything isn’t perfect. It never will be. That I can accept. What I can’t accept is to continue my life the way I have. I have been angry, miserable, depressed, and all of the above. It seems I’ve been living in my own personal hell. I haven’t even been living. I have been surviving. That is no longer acceptable to me. I want to strengthen my spirit and my mental state instead of allowing everything to upset me and derail me. A woman in AA told me, “There are no big deals except for what we make to be big deals.” This is so me. I overreact, I get emotional. I become upset. I lash out. I hurt. Most of all I hurt myself. And I often hurt myself because of the way I feel others have treated me. I don’t need other people for validation. I am me and that’s okay today. I’m going to make mistakes. What’s important is that I try to be better tomorrow than I was yesterday.




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