Loving yourself and self diagnosing… But hey, I think I’m right!

1 10 2012

I can’t say I never saw the day coming. I have stated several times that I saw it coming a mile away. Matter of fact, I believe I compared it to a train wreck. I saw it coming, but all I could do was stand by helplessly and watch.

DH is gone. He moved out yesterday. I can’t go into the full incident but let’s just say we can’t be together at this time. We definitely are taking some time apart. And I am here picking up the pieces. I just ate lunch. Before that I hadn’t ate since Saturday. My stomach has been upset. This whole experience has humbled me greatly. I had to take an honest look at what my faults were and what his were. Usually I focused more on his faults and shortcomings. It’s always easier to blame someone else and point out their faults instead of focusing on yours. I now see that is a waste of time since I can’t change them or him. My time should have been spent focused on myself.

I made several mistakes. The first mistake being… I tried to make him something he wasn’t. Anytime he deviated from what I wanted him to be or what I thought was conducive to our marriage, I tried to control that. Did it work? I feel I may have won those individual battles but have lost the war. It worked in the here and now. Ultimately, I’ve realized that I made him hate me. I should have put my big girl panties on and put my foot down and refused to accept it instead of controlling him. I should have told him he was free to do whatever he wanted and then decided if that was the life I wanted instead of keeping him from doing whatever it was. Then I had to ask myself… Why DIDN’T I do that? This is when I realized that I have a bigger problem at hand that has nothing to do with Paul.

My problem is that I don’t love myself. I am codependent. I feel someone else needs to validate me. I would rather put up with constant bs and be miserable than to be alone. Sounds sick huh? That was the only explanation I could logically come up with as to why I have dealt with this for this long. I also realize alcohol never helps my situations. It’s the worst thing I can do to myself. That was part of the problem this weekend. These are not easy things to admit but at this stage of the game if anything in my life is going to change it has to come from within me. I can’t change my life if I continue to live it the same way. I am not good to myself. Instead of creating my own world I felt if I didn’t have Paul my life would be over. I know my income would decrease. I wouldn’t have him around to help with some things around the house or if my car needed work. I didn’t want to give up my marriage. So I hounded him. I nagged him. I started fights with him. I criticized him. I tried to control who he talked to and where he went because I was afraid to let go of the control. I was afraid if I did it would be chaos. I didn’t realize at the time that you can’t treat someone like that long term. They grow to hate you. I would have been better served picking a partner who wants the same things that I want and is willing to work towards something together. Not get angry that they can’t do what they want.

I don’t like the person I’ve become. I know he’s done some things too. However, said before I can only focus on my part. I definitely wasn’t innocent in creating misery within our marriage. I feel I am about one step from a nervous breakdown. I am glad I have my daughter. If it wasn’t for her I would probably have done something really stupid.

So… Here’s my question. I’m willing to do the work but how do you learn to love yourself? I think loving yourself is about having respect for yourself and treating yourself well. How do you gain that? I am sure like anything else it is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. I’m just wondering where it starts. At this point, I am more worried about my daughter and getting myself in a better state of mind. Until that happens, I don’t have anything to offer myself or my daughter. And at this point a relationship or marriage is the very last thing on my mind.


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One response

1 10 2012
Steve

I hope things get better for you. Hang in there, and don’t give up you have alot to offer the world.

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