The latest…

27 07 2009

I give up. I quit taking nights off. Everytime I do I don’t enjoy it. I’m sick of Phillip and his attitude. I am starting to think my life would be more peaceful without him. I finished my finals today. I am having a nice quiet evening at home. I just put my daughter to bed. I know it’s late but school isn’t in session right now. She is a night owl like me. I straightened her room up. I went to the thrift shop yesterday and found a NICE entertainment center for fourty bucks. A few years ago I would have turned my nose up at something “used”. Now I am getting older and more conscious with my money. I am all about organization. I may even be a little OCD. Everything has a certain place and if everything is in its place it makes life easier. I hate having to find things. I have a filing cabinet where I file my bank statements, birth certificates, and other important paperwork. My kitchen is very organized. I am restless when things are out of order.

 I went to WalMart and got a couple bottles of wine. I also purchased (cha-ching!) a pack of cigarettes. I was trying to quit and was doing well for about three days. I don’t want my face to look like hell anytime soon and smoking is a nasty habit. But Phillip pissed me off… Grrrrr… It’s all his fault. I try to remind myself he is young. He is immature in a lot of ways. He has good points too. He does go to work daily. He does love me. He just has this nasty attitude and he’s so damn cocky. I just want to hit him sometimes but I don’t want to do it in front of the kids. I cooked spaghetti, Parmesan chicken, bok choy, and mixed vegetables. When he made me mad I wouldn’t let him eat my food. I told him, “It’s fucked up that you want to talk shit to me but you want to come in here and eat the food I cooked.” And let’s be honest, that is fucked up. If you want to be loved and respected you have the responsibility of making yourself lovable and respectable. When you have an attitude with me you are not being lovable. So I have to put the smack down. Putting the smack down consists of cutting you off from sex and my cooking. Oh, and I won’t talk to you either.

Like I said I didn’t go to work tonight. I was going to go last night but was so tired from Friday night… I should have went. I should have went tonight too. I have to get Katie (my daughter) a bed. My mom didn’t bring her bed because it was my grandmother’s. Katie is sleeping on the couch right now. Plus I need to buy school clothes. Phillip’s son has to go back soon so we have to purchase him a plane ticket to Pittsburgh. To get a good deal on a fare we will have to drive to Atlanta for departure. The fucking list never ends. We also need another vehicle. We only have one and I want to be able to go to Lakota’s school in case of an emergency. The dogs have to go to the vet Tuesday. OMG!!! WTF? I need a lot of money. I make decent money but it seems I have to cut down on my living costs:

Rent: $850, Lights: $120, Water: $80, Gas per week: $60, Auto Insurance: $110, Dental Insurance: $ 31, AT&T: $110, Time Warner: $ 100, Truck payment: $383, Phillip’s child support $315, not including groceries, vehicle maintenance, entertainment, or other unexpected expenses. I also have a personal trainer I pay about $ 150 a month for. I am sure I am forgetting some things but damn. I have to have cable for Katie and Internet for my school. The house phone cuts down on the cell phone minutes. The cell phone is necessary in my line of work and because I have a child. Gas, lights, and water are necessities as well. Isn’t that ridiculous? What should I do? I will be glad when school starts back and I have time to myself. Phillip’s son will be gone. I’m licking my chops just a waitin’…

I worked Friday night. Met a “virgin”. First time in a strip club, eighteen years old. I gave him a dance. I give pretty good dances. He asked me when I was done, “Would you rate me a nine or a ten?” I smiled and told him sweetly a ten. He was asking me how big it was. I don’t fucking know. I wasn’t paying attention. LOL Young guys are so funny. You need to come to a strip club and get a stripper to reassure you that your cock is adequate. Then I knocked his friend off for $75. Then there was a drunk soldier that came in and I did four songs for him. I didn’t ask him if he wanted me to keep going. I just did it. Then he didn’t want to pay the $160 that I asked him to pay. I got $120 out of him. I wouldn’t have overcharged him but he kept trying to suck on my breasts and touch my pussy. That pissed me off. Then I saw a customer I hadn’t seen in about two years. I knew him from another club about two hours away. We talked for awhile and he gave me $20 just for remembering him. He asked me if I ever wanted to go to Cabo with him. It would be nice if I wasn’t married. Who knows… Maybe one day if this doesn’t work out. I spent a good hour bullshitting with him. I left with $298. I didn’t put in as much effort as I could. I wasted a lot of time catching up. I shouldn’t have been talking to that guy for that long but he’s really cool so I did. It was a nice break.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think I may be a sociopath. I have a hard time empathizing with others. I can not put myself in someone else’s shoes and imagine how they feel. Even worse, I don’t give a fuck. I am worried about myself. I feel like I have no real love in my heart. I don’t feel a connection with anyone, even those who are supposed to be close to me except my dad and my daughter. Sometimes I get mad and yell at my daughter and it’s even hard for me to emphathize with her. I am ashamed to admit that. I want to change it but I don’t know how. 

So that’s what’s going on in my world. I will include a screen shot when my final grades come out for the two classes I just finished. I can’t WAIT to graduate. The sad part is I will be doing nothing but graduating to more classes so that I can make more money. Night bitches.


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