I went to the bar to drink… Water?!?

25 01 2009

Song of My Life

So I haven’t really worked on too much lately. Seems drinking has definitely been more important. I think drinking is kind of like a sport and I’m like a marathon runner. I’m a douchebag. I went out and got so trashed that I had to be carried out of the club. We went to the one that I work at. Embarassing. I haven’t drank since and have decided to stay sober for good. I was pulled over by the military police last Sunday morning. I was trashed. I don’t remember much until I got pulled over. I was doing 60 in a 25. I’ve already had one D.U.I. I was lucky enough to get dismissed. I have taken that as a wake up call.

I guess I’ve been kind of down because remember the last post when I was talking all that shit? Well, guess who wrote me a letter and said they didn’t want to be with me anymore? That’s right. I guess he wants a divorce. He said that he wanted to go back to Pennsylvania when he got out. That he didn’t want to be with someone who beat him in the face with a shoe. Basically, he reassured me what I already know… That I’m fucking crazy, a drunk, and a stripper and no one will want me. It really made me feel like shit. I guess this is marriage number three down the drain. I am quarantined to a life of loneliness and misery. My drinking has caused me so many problems. When I got Phillip’s letter, I wanted to go out and get bent and binge drink but I decided against it. I thought it was best to stay home, especially in the state of mind I was in. I went to the club one night before that this past week and drank water all night. I still had fun. Yep… I think me and alcohol are finally done. I can’t afford anymore. My life can’t take it. It was fun though. However, it brings me back to my original theory which is nothing good ever comes of drinking. Even though my pride is hurt as well as my feelings, I am going to use this time to focus on my school work, fitness, nutrition, and finances. I haven’t had much of an appetite so I haven’t been eating. I’ve cried a little. I can’t sleep. I am strong though and I know it will pass. Everything will be okay. I’m not going to let myself get down. You know, I always heard that people die of a broken heart. I see how. Anxiety, knots in their stomach, and sadness. I’ve been through worse. This too shall pass. Maybe I deserved it because I’m a sociopathic bitch. Moral of the story: Marriage doesn’t really mean shit. I feel no more attachment being married right now than I would if I were single.

Even though I didn’t drink at the bar I did talk a lot of shit. It was along the lines of:

Drunk guy: What do you do for a living?

Me: Well, you know that game Dungeons and Dragons?

Drunk guy: Yeah, what about it?

Me: Well, it’s nothing like that.

Drunk guy: What’s that supposed to mean?

Me: None of your fucking business!

Drunk guy: (Laughs) Well, what’s your name?

Me: That’s none of your fucking business either.

The guy really got a kick out of me and talked to me for about thirty minutes. It’s weird… You know what I noticed? When I go out and pay for my drinks my tab is always about $60. When I go out intending to drink water everyone wants to buy me a drink. Where were all these cocksuckers when I was paying my tab? I know this time I’m going to do it. It has to be all or nothing.

I went to work Tuesday. That was the last day I worked. It wasn’t too exciting. I made $1000 but that’s because it snowed and only six girls showed up. Lucky me. Right now I’m not very optimistic about anything. Maybe this experience will help me humble myself but I doubt it.


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2 responses

25 01 2009
Steve

Keep your head up girl, and no that this too shall pass. Will be down you way in couple of weeks. We will see you soon. And as far as the marriage thing, anyone who does not recognize what a catch you are, does not deserve you. Your a strong, confidnet and beautiful woman, and your gonna achieve all the goals you have for yourself, just rest and know that in your heart.

16 02 2009
Sa'fire

I don’t know where you are at, sounds an aweful lot like fayetteville. Anyways, I am an x-stripper, went through two marriages, was a drunk and a pill popper. got carried out of the club by my Army buddies many times, Walking on 6 inch heels is not very easy when you are tipsy……..LOL . the only way I could find sobriety was to get out of the life all together. The sad thing is i miss it sometimes. To get to my point I just wanted you to know that I can relate, You are a beautiful girl, and seem to be very real. Keep on your path you have yourself on and you will be fine. just do you and fuck everyone else- L

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