Still employed!

28 07 2008

I haven’t blogged because I have worked every day this week since Sunday. Today is my first day off. I haven’t had time to do anything but work, sleep, shower, and do homework. I am exhausted. It is nice to sit at home by myself.

I didn’t get fired at the party. I got pretty drunk though. Like usual. This week has been kind of slow, but the soldiers are all coming back from block leave soon from what I understand. Then things will be rocking again!

I have been lonely lately. Real lonely. Like eating valiums and sleeping all day lonely. So I thought I needed some companionship. I went and bought two parakeets and a beta fish. The parakeets are Tweety and George. I haven’t named the fish yet. The fish is a beautiful shade of blue. I wonder how long I can keep it alive. It seems everything I touch dies or turns to shit. The parakeets hate me. They bite me all the time. I went and bought some gloves to handle them.

The only bad night I really had all week was Saturday night. I hate customers. I asked this one guy if he wanted a dance and he replied, “Not from you.” I had worked all week and was tired and frustrated. I have been dancing for five years and I don’t know why… But I let it get to me. I think it was a number of things. I got dressed early and left. I couldn’t help it. I was crying. Just fed up I guess. I cried the whole way home. Today when I woke up I left the house to go work out. I was on my way to the gym when I passed a church. I went in. When I entered it was like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Lately, it seems I have just been through so much. I know deep down that I deserve better. But because I make money I can somehow justify my dancing in my head so it’s at least acceptable to me. I seemed I had become immune to it. Physically dancing, but mentally blocking it out and being somewhere else. I listened to the preacher and realized how long it had been since I had been to church. Or since I had tried to do anything positive in my life. I sat in the very last pew and reflected on my life over the past few years. I have strayed so far from doing what is right. I couldn’t help but cry. I know this sounds like bitch shit as Z would say, but this is how I felt. I couldn’t stop crying. It was like a snowball effect. When I left I went home. I felt a sense of relief. I felt sadness and sorrow at the same time. And for the first time in a long time I felt humble. Like money just wasn’t as important as I have imagined. Just when I thought I was made of stone… I went back to the six o’clock service. I felt much better. I looked at all the people with their seemingly normal lives and their kids. I was jealous. That is what I want. This industry doesn’t allow that though. I stay up all night dealing with crazy people. It would not benefit me to have a kid right now. Nor would it benefit the child. I refuse to have a child until I have my degree and a real job. At least a little stability. I could quit right now… I will be done with school in March. That’s not that far away. I can stick it out. That club has eaten away at my soul. It’s changed me. It scares me to see who I am now as opposed to who I was five years ago. I have faith that everything is going to work out. I am doing well in school. I have a 98% in one class and a 88% in the other. The terms only last eight weeks.

Guess that was my week. I look forward to another exciting, fun filled week. I will blog again sometime in the middle of the week. I wish you working folk a Happy Monday!


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