YOU KNOW YOU’RE A STRIPPER WHEN…

6 12 2007

You are out in public and someone shouts out your stage name and your respond not realizing it wasnt meant for you.

You start to think of your future purchases in lap dances. Example: it’s gonna take 5 lap dances for me to buy this new bracelet

You Keep track of things like paydays, even though you don’t get a pay check.

You ask your boyfriend or friends to send you “the money vibe” while you’re at work.

You made 300 in a night and are complaining that it was a shitty night.

You buy hand sanitizer and baby wipes in bulk and you dont have any kids.

That sanitizer & wipes along with your boob job is a tax write off.

You go out with ‘regular’ friends and feel the need to censor yourself on the dancefloor.

You have two separate sections of your wardrobe and makeup – one for your ‘regular’ self and one for your ‘stripper’ self.

Every pair of shoes you own has some sort of high heel.

12pm is a REALLY early hour to wake up.

6am is a normal hour to go to bed.

Breakfast takes place before you go to sleep.

Your pet has glitter in its fur.

Drag queens ask you where you got your _____, when you’re just walking down the sidewalk.

You go out to a restaurant and bitch at the guy who took you to tip the waitress, the barmaid and the busboy.

When a guy tries the pickup line “don’t I know you?” and you immediately think he must be a customer.

When the clerk hands you your change from the groceries and you feel like you should be tipping them.

You buy something for $50 and pay in singles.

You get dressed and undressed while not removing your shoes.

You don’t own any porn, but you’ve met more porn stars than most people can imagine.

You dont get offended when someone says nice tits.

You have to “think” when you introduce yourself.

A “C cup” no longer seems impressive.

You know why baby oil is evil.

You never think of a fire station pole in the same way.

You hear a good song on the radio and automatically start thinking of how you can work it on stage.

When going out clubbing with friends, you are the only one who doesn’t complain about the cover charge and drink prices – they’re cheaper than what you’re used to.

You have an extensive corporate clientele base that would make your bank manager jealous.

You gawk more at beautiful women than beautiful men.

You can arrive in any town and have a job that night.

A cashier hands you your change, you wink and say “spank ya, babe”.

Your days off are the same days you wear your period panties.

Your friend brags about a 2 dollar per hour raise and you feel pity for her.

You have CDs you bring to the tanning salon.

When your home address ends with “INN” or “Suites”.

You have a handheld blacklight that you take shopping with you so you are positive the outfit you buy will glow.

You feel totally comfortable being naked with only shoes and a choker on, bent over with your legs spread and looking another female straight in the face and asking,”You can’t see my string can you?”

You could fit a nights wardrobe in one of those purple royal crown liquor bags.

A pimple on your butt is more of a problem than one on your face.

When your cell phone address screen looks like this:Bambi (Jen)Aspen (Misty)Celeste (Debra)Raven (Melissa)Desire (Stephanie)Nikki

When you take your boyfriend lingerie shopping, and he gets irritable.

If you have to make an effort to shut the bathroom stall door in public.

You know all the words to Motley Crues Girls Girls Girls.

You can pee, change shoes, change tops, smoke a cigarette and talk on your cell phone all at the same time.

You have to see the doctor with a case of “glitter-lung,” an occupational respiratory disease.

You know all conventions, at home football, hockey & basketball games schedules without attending any.


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4 responses

28 12 2007
jh

I loved the list, especialy the part about the baby wipes. I guess they are all so funny because they are true. Thanks for sharing!

7 02 2008
Ciara

I’m a stripper and this is SUPER HILARIOUS!!! TOO true…

21 06 2011
Stripper X

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…this list brought back some hilarious memories…

22 06 2011
strippersmemoir

It’s the truth! LOL Thanks for reading! I could probably update that list by now. 🙂

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