That Vision was Short Lived

16 11 2007

Wow. That was fast. Things are already not going well between me and “Robert”. I think it’s me. I play games with him for no reason to test him and see if he cares. To make it even worse, when we got into it I went and got my number changed so he couldn’t call me. I am going to run him off if I don’t get my shit together. I guess I am afraid of being hurt and letting someone get close to me. I am sure my occupation doesn’t help. I can’t complain. It’s self inflicted.

As for sobriety. I’ve only been drunk once since Sunday. Gettin’ better! Practice makes perfect. I have had more energy and am putting more effort into working out. I am trying to get my shit together. I am not happy. My job doesn’t bother me anymore. It used to but I have become numb to it now. The problems associated with it bother me i.e. stereotypes, difficulty maintaining relationships, trust issues, etc. I thought money would fill the void in my soul. It doesn’t matter how much money I make anymore. I’m still not happy. I want to find peace. I know I am not going to find it in the bottom of a bottle. I am not going to find it by putting faith in other people. I feel that’s why I am so suseptible to being hurt. I fall fast and am faithful and honest when I do fall. For some reason, I’ve never had the strength to just let someone go easily if I care about them. I need to become stronger as a person. I need to be okay being alone. I need to be in a place where if someone leaves me I don’t feel a huge loss. I don’t cry and know I will be okay. That is hard for me to do. Him and I have been arguing a little bit but I feel like I can’t express myself without him thinking I’m being confrontational. I don’t nag. If I say anything… That’s more him than me. It’s kind of ruined now though because of the way things have been going it would be hard for me to trust him with my feelings. You can’t run away every time there is a problem. It’s too early to be having all these problems. If I see one more problem I am going to let this whole thing go. I don’t need this shit and I’m not going to allow anyone to treat me like this. We will see… You know, for some reason it seems like I always do better in all areas of my life when I am single. It’s when I get into a relationship that I start getting off focus and neglecting myself. Emotionally it’s usually not a good situation for me. I don’t understand why. The kind of men that I am associating with? And to answer your question, no, I didn’t meet him at work or a club or bar. Is it something internal within me? My job?

I am sitting at home relaxing and getting ready for the weekend. I made $800 last night which was good because I hadn’t been to work since Saturday and I only made $240. The club was crowded but it seemed like no one was spending any money. Plus, my attitude was shitty. I was bitter and didn’t want to be there.

That’s been my week. I will keep you updated.


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