Well, not much has changed. Paul and I are still split up. He has called me a couple times but I haven’t really talked to him. I don’t understand what we have to talk about. I am sad however that things didn’t work out. I has made me question myself a lot. Am I the kind of person that needs to be in a relationship? Am I better off by myself? Am I not loveable? What is wrong with me? I know I’m not exactly normal. Perhaps it is me…

As for everything else… I am staying with a friend. I am so sick of moving. Paul took the truck with him. He also took my phone charger which I will have to replace. I just feel like my life is broken right now. I am still in school but having problems getting a job due to some stuff that happened in 2005. Now I can’t even look for a real job because I don’t have a way to get there. This all sucks. I just want someone to love me and treat me right. I guess that’s funny considering I am a stripper. Nobody really sees me as a person. It seems I am just some novelty or something to be mistreated. I am sure things will get better for me. I am just having a cloudy day.

I left Paul for good. He is in Pittsburgh now. We are getting divorced and there is no chance that we are getting back together. Ever. At all.

I have also lost four pounds.

So turkey day is coming… I think I’m going to stay here and work. My dad is working so I’m not going back to Tennessee. Paul… We might go to Pittsburgh to see his family.

My ass is back in the gym. I did an hour and a half of cardio today and am eating right. We will see how long it takes to lose the weight. I weighed in at 164 today! Damn… LOL But I’m still making money. I plan on working tonight.

Paul and I bought a house. We were supposed to close on it on Friday but the surge of last minute first time homebuyers trying to get the tax credit have backed the underwriters up at the mortgage company. I think we are closing next Friday. Our house is brand new! It’s a nice feeling to be the first person to live in it. You don’t have to wonder what grime and filth you have to clean up before you unpack your stuff. I hate cleaning up after other people.

So… There are a couple things I want to “rant” about. I was watching the news and obviously the Democrats feel that blacks aren’t being provided with enough opportunities in the workforce and are not occupying enough jobs. They have even mentioned giving them a special “stimulus”. WTF? This is bullshit. Maybe if they get the fuck out from in front of the bricks they sit on in the corner store and put their fourty ounces of King Cobra down, quit smoking crack, and enroll in school they can get better jobs. Why are we catering to these assholes?

Let me get this straight… You mean to tell me in the Great United States of America I can go take out $50,000 in student loans that I must repay so that I can get a good job, be in a higher tax bracket, and do this all so I can support the bums on welfare? Really? Shit, where do I sign up? Minorities don’t need a stimulus! Excuse me, yes they do. It’s called a paycheck. That should be stimulus for them. Fuck… Give strippers a stimulus too. If they are low income, aren’t Pell grants available to them? Why can’t they put in the time that I have put in going to school? I thought they were black, not retarded. Asians are a minority. How come they don’t occupy low paying jobs? Fuck the Democrats. I don’t feel sorry for any of these cocksuckers.

Secondly… What the hell is up with these soldiers that are incarcerated at Ft. Leavenworth for killing Iraqis? HELLOOOO! It is war. These men are in jail for not following protocol and shooting these Iraqis instead of jailing them and investigating them. Statistics from Iraq show that 75% of Iraqis taken into US custody and held suspected of terrorism  are released. Sgt. John Hatley expressed his frustration at taking in the same terrorists 3 or 4 times. When they found these terrorists they had weapons, ammo, night vision goggles, and materials to make explosives. These three brave men took them to a canal and executed them. That is what is supposed to be done. It is not the job of the United States military to take these fuckers and investigate them. If someone was shooting at me I’d kill them too. This is a fucking war! I am outraged at these three soldiers being used for a scapegoat. All three of these men had no criminal record and had rank.Why the hell would anyone want to sign up to be in the military at this point? Sign here to get fucked ________. No thanks. This really touched my heart because these men have been through so much. They are currently serving 30-40 year sentences. You can find more information at www.defendjohnhatley.com.

If you would like to write John his address is:

John E. Hatley #87613, 1300 N. Warehouse Rd., Fort Leavenworth, KS 66027-2304.

It would be nice to send him a letter telling him that you appreciate his service around the holidays. I am sure he is lonely and depressed.

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything I can’t possibly take all the time to elaborate on everything that has happened. I am doing well. I actually had a job interview with the state and didn’t get the job because of my background. No I don’t have felonies. No they cannot be expunged. I filled out another application and Verizon Wireless called me back and I hope they don’t do a nationwide background check.

Paul and I are closing on a house Friday. We are first time homebuyers so that means an $8,000 tax credit. My stuff is still in Nebraska in storage. What a fucking mess. I’m seriously thinking about just throwing all that shit away and replacing it as opposed to bringing it back. There are a few things I will need to get out though.

I have gained about thirty pounds. I got lazy and depressed. I have been overeating. My ass got back into the gym last week. My money has really taken a shit. I don’t think it’s because of my weight. I think it’s how I feel about myself and what it has done to my confidence. However, I will be fixing that soon.

I had a nice day. Paul and I went to see New Moon. Then we got lunch, looked at some furniture, went to Books a Million, Starbucks, and Blockbuster. That was my day.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to Mafia Wars and Farmville on Facebook. I love those damn things.

The Snuggie was dumb enough by itself. Now we have Snuggies for dogs. There are homeless people on the streets in the winter time who don’t have a Snuggie, but your dog has one. The homeless people are pieces of shit and so is your dog.

Well, I did it. It’s been a long time coming. I emptied out my house on Monday. I put all of my stuff in a Uhaul (which was $1388+$400 in fuel) and am in Nebraska. I got tired of Paul’s shit. I’m tired of dancing. I’m tired of a lot of things. Something had to give. So here I am. I don’t even want to discuss the situation with Paul but I’m just sick of it. We are taking some time apart and maybe we can work things out later. I got here this morning at 5 am. I have only had one hour of sleep. My stomach hurts and I can’t eat. It is 9:27 pm and I am getting ready to go to bed. I am finally going to start waking up early and going to bed early like I’ve always wanted to. I hate sleeping the day away. I have a job prospect lined up in a call center and will start looking for employment tomorrow. We will see how it goes. My mom and her husband agreed if I brought my daughter and stayed that they would buy a house. It’s small but it’s very nice. I’m really tired of moving. Within five hours my house was cleaned out (which Paul was kind enough to help with) and I went to work and cleaned out my locker. I am really tired and am going to go to bed. I will elaborate on everything tomorrow.

So Paul went out of town this weekend. He was supposed to take his son home and then turn around and come home. Within a week it went from those plans to, “My friend’s mom is dying and she only has four months to live.” All of the sudden he had to go to Pittsburgh to go see her. I asked him to please not drink while he was up there. This is how irresponsible he is. He got his birth certificate and social security card in the mail. I told him to go down to the DMV and apply for a license like he has never had one before. He said he would. Then he called me and said he was on his way to Pittsburgh and that the line was too long. So he left without even attempting to get a driver’s license.

Then he got to Pittsburgh. I stayed behind to work. I called him when I was on my way to work, when I got there, and when I left. By that time he was drunk. He made a big production of talking shit to me in front of his cousin. He told me to shut up, fuck you, and other choice things he said that are too personal that I won’t repeat. I told him keep the truck, take over the payments, and stay in Pittsburgh. Then I disconnected his phone and froze the bank account. After all the phone is in my name and if I can’t get in touch with him on it, he doesn’t need it right? To make a long story short I am stuck now without transportation and I have to pay a babysitter. My trainer said I could use his car. My neighbors across the street are going to watch Kota for $30 a night. He thinks he is leaving me high and dry after I watched his kid all summer. Well, guess what? I always have a back up plan.

I have decided that he needs to come and get his shit. If he gives me any shit I am going to call the cops. Period. I put up with this bullshit before and I’m not doing it again. Read my lips — no more Paul. I believe I am going to let my daughter finish out this school year here and make plans to move to Denver, Colorado. I have to visit first and find a good club to work at. That way Kota will have my mom and me. I graduate in February but have decided to go on to get my Bachelor’s degree in order to increase my income.

That’s pretty much all that’s going on tonight. I went to work. I didn’t drink. I was so pissed off and my attitude sucked so I didn’t make any money. I left and went to Waffle House. Some guy was like, “Do you want to go to Ray’s and have a drink?” I was like sure. I followed him about five miles and said fuck this. I just need to go home and this is too far away to be drinking and driving. So I turned around and headed home. This crazy mutherfucker started to follow me! I stopped at a red light and he pulled up next to me and tried to invite himself to my house! I told him no thank you. I noticed he was still following me so I pulled into a gas station and cussed him out. I checked myself when I left the gas station. I was in the clear. Whew… It wasn’t that serious.

As for everything else, I am going to be okay. I am not sad. I am not down. I am just staying on track and am going to work hard and stay sober so that I can handle my responsiblities accordingly. I have a lot hanging in limbo right now. I explained to my daughter that I will be working more and that she will have to be good for the babysitter so that Mommy can work. If not, Mommy won’t be able to pay the bills and we can’t be together. But I am planning on moving to Denver next year. I am signing off for tonight. I’m tired. I need to get my rest and take care of myself so that I can stay pointed in the right direction. Night.

This is ME!!!

Okay… I’m drunk and have been let loose with a keyboard. I go into so much detail in my blogs that I don’t feel I have to do this this time. But if you can follow me it will make sense. Got into a fight with Paul.  The origin…

Him and I got into a “disagreement”. While he was mad at me my daughter was eating in the kitchen and she ran and jumped on the couch. The next thing I heard? “You know better. What are you trying to do, piss me the fuck off?”  Anybody that knows me or has ever read my blog will tell you, “Ah, hell nall.” I told Paul, “That’s not your daughter to yell at. Tat’s MY daughter.” I don’t mind if he disciplines her. I think he should be firm and that he is an authority figure in the household. But that tone was totally unecessary. First of all you don’t yell at her. Number two you don’t cuss at her. He said, “Well, you do.” I said, “Exactly. I do and she came from me.” But again, she’s not your child. First of all she is the child and you are the adult. If you can’t handle yourself as such then you need to leave. To make a long story short I was on the phone with my mother while Paul came in talking shit. My mother still has custody of my daughter. Then he told me that he was going to turn me into the IRS. Then he told me that he was going to take me off his DEERS (med. insurance) through the ARMY. Then he tried to take the truck keys from me after I had made the payment! I will explain it to you like this…

While I am on the phone with my mom and you try to come in and talk shit you are telling me one thing. That means that you don’t give a fuck if I am with my daughter or not. Now you have moved your position to a partner to a liability. I don’t care how mad I was at someone… There are some things that you don’t do. The only way I would get REAL DIRTY is if someone had cheated on me or hit me. It’s like if I am not with him he wants to ruin my life. He’s a snake. We are two different people who live our lives by two different codes. We stayed up all night arguing until the next morning. I don’t have time for this bullshit. And that’s exactly what it is… Bullshit. I don’t NEED you. He makes $521 a week. As of now we have agreed to work things out but in my head I just took more time to figure out how to fuck him over. Let him cry like he was in the living room. “Fuck ya.” And that’s that.

I went to work tonight. It was shitty. I think it was because I got drunk. But hey… It’s okay. I am going to include a screen shot of my grades in this post. I don’t need Paul.

That’s about all I have to say about that. The situation between Paul and I can NEVER be repaired. I am drunk and I don’t feel like talking any more. Night.

I give up. I quit taking nights off. Everytime I do I don’t enjoy it. I’m sick of Paul and his attitude. I am starting to think my life would be more peaceful without him. I finished my finals today. I am having a nice quiet evening at home. I just put my daughter to bed. I know it’s late but school isn’t in session right now. She is a night owl like me. I straightened her room up. I went to the thrift shop yesterday and found a NICE entertainment center for fourty bucks. A few years ago I would have turned my nose up at something “used”. Now I am getting older and more conscious with my money. I am all about organization. I may even be a little OCD. Everything has a certain place and if everything is in its place it makes life easier. I hate having to find things. I have a filing cabinet where I file my bank statements, birth certificates, and other important paperwork. My kitchen is very organized. I am restless when things are out of order.

I went to WalMart and got a couple bottles of wine. I also purchased (cha-ching!) a pack of cigarettes. I was trying to quit and was doing well for about three days. I don’t want my face to look like hell anytime soon and smoking is a nasty habit. But Paul pissed me off… Grrrrr… It’s all his fault. I try to remind myself he is young. He is immature in a lot of ways. He has good points too. He does go to work daily. He does love me. He just has this nasty attitude and he’s so damn cocky. I just want to hit him sometimes but I don’t want to do it in front of the kids. I cooked spaghetti, Parmesan chicken, bok choy, and mixed vegetables. When he made me mad I wouldn’t let him eat my food. I told him, “It’s fucked up that you want to talk shit to me but you want to come in here and eat the food I cooked.” And let’s be honest, that is fucked up. If you want to be loved and respected you have the responsibility of making yourself lovable and respectable. When you have an attitude with me you are not being lovable. So I have to put the smack down. Putting the smack down consists of cutting you off from sex and my cooking. Oh, and I won’t talk to you either.

Like I said I didn’t go to work tonight. I was going to go last night but was so tired from Friday night… I should have went. I should have went tonight too. I have to get Lakota (my daughter) a bed. My mom didn’t bring her bed because it was my grandmother’s. Kota is sleeping on the couch right now. Plus I need to buy school clothes. Paul’s son has to go back soon so we have to purchase him a plane ticket to Pittsburgh. To get a good deal on a fare we will have to drive to Atlanta for departure. The fucking list never ends. We also need another vehicle. We only have one and I want to be able to go to Lakota’s school in case of an emergency. The dogs have to go to the vet Tuesday. OMG!!! WTF? I need a lot of money. I make decent money but it seems I have to cut down on my living costs:

Rent: $850, Lights: $120, Water: $80, Gas per week: $60, Auto Insurance: $110, Dental Insurance: $ 31, AT&T: $110, Time Warner: $ 100, Truck payment: $383, Paul’s child support $315, not including groceries, vehicle maintenance, entertainment, or other unexpected expenses. I also have a personal trainer I pay about $ 150 a month for. I am sure I am forgetting some things but damn. I have to have cable for Lakota and Internet for my school. The house phone cuts down on the cell phone minutes. The cell phone is necessary in my line of work and because I have a child. Gas, lights, and water are necessities as well. Isn’t that ridiculous? What should I do? I will be glad when school starts back and I have time to myself. Paul’s son will be gone. I’m licking my chops just a waitin’…

I worked Friday night. Met a “virgin”. First time in a strip club, eighteen years old. I gave him a dance. I give pretty good dances. He asked me when I was done, “Would you rate me a nine or a ten?” I smiled and told him sweetly a ten. He was asking me how big it was. I don’t fucking know. I wasn’t paying attention. LOL Young guys are so funny. You need to come to a strip club and get a stripper to reassure you that your cock is adequate. Then I knocked his friend off for $75. Then there was a drunk soldier that came in and I did four songs for him. I didn’t ask him if he wanted me to keep going. I just did it. Then he didn’t want to pay the $160 that I asked him to pay. I got $120 out of him. I wouldn’t have overcharged him but he kept trying to suck on my breasts and touch my pussy. That pissed me off. Then I saw a customer I hadn’t seen in about two years. I knew him from another club about two hours away. We talked for awhile and he gave me $20 just for remembering him. He asked me if I ever wanted to go to Cabo with him. It would be nice if I wasn’t married. Who knows… Maybe one day if this doesn’t work out. I spent a good hour bullshitting with him. I left with $298. I didn’t put in as much effort as I could. I wasted a lot of time catching up. I shouldn’t have been talking to that guy for that long but he’s really cool so I did. It was a nice break.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think I may be a sociopath. I have a hard time empathizing with others. I can not put myself in someone else’s shoes and imagine how they feel. Even worse, I don’t give a fuck. I am worried about myself. I feel like I have no real love in my heart. I don’t feel a connection with anyone, even those who are supposed to be close to me except my dad and my daughter. Sometimes I get mad and yell at my daughter and it’s even hard for me to emphathize with her. I am ashamed to admit that. I want to change it but I don’t know how. 

So that’s what’s going on in my world. I will include a screen shot when my final grades come out for the two classes I just finished. I can’t WAIT to graduate. The sad part is I will be doing nothing but graduating to more classes so that I can make more money. Night bitches.

So I’m finally settled in my new house. I really like it. Although the kids are driving me up a fucking wall. It’s worse than dealing with drunks. My husband and I have been arguing frequently. I’m considering running away from home. I sit there and giggle picturing what they would do without me. Luckily, we’ll be taking one home soon and the other will start school. I can’t wait.

I went to hell tonight. Didn’t make a fortune. Two hundred bucks isn’t bad for two hours.

I hired a personal trainer. Once I get to where I want to be I am going to become a certified personal trainer.

I updated my iPhone and am really pissed off. It fucked my phone up. I can’t receive text messages and it’s been doing some weird stuff like turning itself off and on.

Besides that nothing else exciting is happening in my life. Paul got a raise. He’s up to fifteen dollars and hour. About fucking time. I finally have my internet up and running. Now I can give you bloggage. Yay! I must admit I have been quite busy lately. I am wrapping up another quarter of school and my final projects are due by Sunday. I expect to get a B in both classes. I’ll be glad when February comes so I can take a break from all this homework and have a life again.

I’ll be blogging again sometime next week after I finish my finals. Just didn’t want to leave everyone disappointed. Toodaloo.