Thankful

This blog is always in the back of my mind and on my list of “Things To Do”. Every time I log in, I’m always amazed at the amount of time that has snuck by me once again. Not much has changed. My life is just as crazy as it’s always been. We moved back in September. We now live in Tennessee. I no longer work at the University in South Carolina. I am now a stay at home mother and wife. My husband and I decided I would stay at home until next October when I finish my Bachelor’s. He got a really good job right after we moved here. I am very fortunate. It’s a far cry from the days in the strip club hustling perverts for money. Although I have been back to the club a handful of times (15 times, max) over the course of the last year, I realize it’s been about a year since I danced professionally, as in dancing being my main source of income. I don’t miss it like I thought I would. I don’t ever find myself missing the partying, drinking, or the lights of the club dancing off the walls. I think I miss the music most of all. You can always find music in a strip club that they don’t play on the radio. I have always had a passion for music. I thought I would feel a great sense of loss. I suppose like almost every other strippers out there I was mostly afraid. I mean, if you can’t budget on $500 dollars a day then you sure don’t look forward to budgeting that for a whole week. I do enjoy my evenings and weekends now. I sleep in. I don’t leave the house much unless I am running an errand or going to the grocery store. I rarely put on makeup anymore. I don’t have to spend 1.5 hours in the mirror everyday making smokey eyes and straightening/curling hair. I don’t have to shave everyday. This is a liberating feeling! On a couple of occasions I didn’t get out of my pajamas all day. It’s a nice change.

When you dance you are always on public display. Impeccable care is imperative to one’s appearance for a few reasons. The most obvious reason is to maximize your earning potential. Another reason is a dancer’s self-esteem. Some of you reading already know this but some of the biggest self-esteem issues were possessed by the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Sometimes it seemed the more beautiful the woman, the more insecure and fucked up she is. I saw evidence of this several times. It’s hard enough being on constant display but imagine someone making a remark about your appearance or worse, your hygiene. That would be devastating to the ego of a dancer. Another reason is because stripping is 98% mental. If you don’t feel absolutely beautiful it can affect your interactions with customers. I can honestly say that I on days I went to work and felt average, my attitude sucked. On days I thought my makeup looked awesome or got my hair done I felt confident, like I could go to work and make all kinds of money.

I guess I was afraid of the unknown. I’m not above going back if I ever had to. I doubt at 29 years old I could handle the mental stress of living on straight commission again. That is a rough life. As soon as you go to work you are already hoping you make X amount of dollars. Strippers are also very superstitious in case you didn’t know. If we make a lot of money one night we try to somehow “recreate” the circumstances we believed would have been a factor in our success and duplicate that night all over again. It sounds dumb but it could be something like a favorite outfit or necklace we believed had a hand in making us money.

On another note, you may wonder what I have been doing with all of my spare time since I am not longer working. I have started cooking things I never knew how to cook. Sweet Italian Sausage and peppers, chicken creole, chess pie, etc. My dad let us take over the payments on his house, which is rather large so I spend a lot of time cleaning. We now have a two car garage, four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a huge backyard. I do my school work, cook, and clean. I make it a point to go down to my daughter’s school and eat lunch with her often so she knows she is loved. I felt bad for her classmate at the Thanksgiving dinner. The little girl was crying because her dad promised he would come and he didn’t. I reminded my daughter how fortunate she was to have parents who care and do what they say they will do.

So this is my life now. The latest craziness is my stepsister who recently split up with her boyfriend about two months ago and has since dated about 5 guys that I am aware of. She can’t keep her legs closed and then gets upset when the guys leave her. Her newest venture if PlentyofFish.com so this ought to get real interesting. LOL Shit’s about to get real. She’s not a beautiful girl, but she has a wonderful heart. Her handicap is the previously mentioned inability to keep her legs closed and the fact that she has three kids. I kind of feel sorry for her. She’s not a raving beauty so it’s not like she can take her pic when it comes to dating. She will probably never date a man who is handsome. I think deep down she feels it too, hence the desperation in regards to dating. She just doesn’t get it. When I was dating before I met my husband I was nothing to play with. I was very picky so it was few and far between that I met anyone who I thought was dating material. Men were like little toys. Something to be played with. Never to be taken seriously and surely never to be trusted. Then I met my husband. We have been through our ups and downs and here we are. I get to stay at home and be here when my daughter gets off the bus. I am fortunate because he does his best to be a father to my daughter. I am blessed. I remember a few years ago I used to wonder what was after stripping and my future would be like. I knew I wanted a house, a husband, and a college degree. Well, a few years later and here I am with everything I have ever wanted. I already have an Associate’s but am now getting a degree that will open doors for me an Associate’s won’t. I have my house and my husband. I am lucky. This Thanksgiving I have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful that I am no longer caught up in a lifestyle that ultimately would have jaded me beyond repair. I am thankful that I am not a homely person and didn’t have to settle for my husband. I am thankful that my daughter is one of the sweetest little girls I have ever met. I also want to take a moment to say thank you to all of you reading this blog… This is my outlet. If it wasn’t for you guys continuing to read, I would no longer write. I hope each and every one of you has a warm, memorable holidays with the ones you love.

Till next time…